The Third World as seen from the saddle

The words hot, dry and sunny came to mind on our recent drive from Harare through Botswana, Kimberley and the Karoo on our way to the Cape, especially sunny. It came to mind over and over and over and the right side of my face now thinks I’ve taken it on holiday in a microwave oven set on high.  It is aggrieved and already peeling like a lizard, whereas my left side continues soft and pampered like something out of a moisturising cream advert, although that is most probably pushing the boundaries of belief.   I now know that left hand drive cars were invented halfway across the Karoo by someone driving to Cape Town in a right-hand car. The only way I’m going to ever even up my face tan is if Jenny drives all the way home and that’s not going to happen. Alas.

Jenny and I partook in one of the world’s great human migrations on Jan the 4th, that first weekend of the New Year when millions of Zimbabweans head off in search of greener pastures elsewhere after Christmas.  Rather than join a queue, kilometres and thousands long in 40- degree Beitbridge heat, cunningly we drove all the way to Plumtree to join the queue kilometres and thousands long in the 40-degree heat there. Oh, what fun we had. We had hours and hours in the queue to point fingers at each other and recriminate on the stupidity of travelling early in the New Year, and to reflect on the even greater stupidity of a government that brought about the situation where more Zimbabweans work outside the country than inside. Small wonder they work outside. Back home prices of basic groceries have increased between 22 and 30 times in the last 12 months, back home hospitals and doctors don’t work anymore, back home you queue hours for petrol and even longer, as in forever, for mealie meal. Power cuts drag on for 18 hours a day or longer and the World Food Program say they will run out of food at the end of January, just a month into their food relief program that 8 million people will be dependent upon, most probably for a whole year given the likelihood of yet another crop failure, on the back of late rains and no electricity for irrigation, no fuel, blah, blah, blah. Small wonder, more civil disobedience is looming, but already the government are saying they will shoot to kill if it does. And when that does happen, brace yourself SA and Botswana for a whole bunch more Zimbabweans coming your way soon. On a single day in December, 60,000 Zimbabweans crossed into SA, and those are only the legal ones. Well that torrent will be a trickle as compared to what could be coming.

And all because we have a President who wears designer woolen winter scarves in 40-degree heat waves and who cheerfully points out to his hungry people that the upside of not being able to afford meat is they get to eat vegetables and potatoes instead, which are full of healthy vitamins and far much better for you, unless of course you can’t afford them either. We have a President who tells a journalist in an interview that the biggest challenge of his Presidency, against the background of all of the miseries and calamities mentioned above, is coming across humble.  I’m guessing pulling off humble when you charter a 75K an hour Dreamliner jet out of Dubai to fly you from Harare to Bulawayo must be hugely challenging. Move over Joaquin River.

Elsewhere in the world, courts in the Sudan sentenced 29 intelligence officers to death for torturing and a killing a teacher following his arrest in Khartoum for taking part in protests in April last year against the then President Omar-al-Bashir’s government. I’ve included this snippet in the hope that those Zimbabwean soldiers and policemen about to receive their ‘shoot to kill’ orders read this. For sure Sudan and Zimbabwe are same same, but they’re maybe just a year and a bit ahead of us. And in pursuit of peace, Trump dropped a bomb on an Iranian death squad General at Bagdad Airport.

Jenny and I feel far removed from all of the above. We are in a heaven on earth place called Wilderness on the Garden Route for 3 weeks of half work, half holiday. I am also here to brush up on my ‘feeling tired on a bicycle at sea level skills’ which are coming along just fine. I should have them down to pat by the time we get to Swakopmund. Despite what the South Africans around us seem to think, things work here in the Western Cape. In the 10 days we’ve been here, we’ve endured just 4 hours of power cuts. And the head of Eskom has just resigned for non-performance. One of the things we are in South Africa to do is to press the button on my book, Running Dogs and Rose’s Children. In her review, Jill Baker said it is a story of ‘a life lived with determination, persistence, great achievement and moments of agonizing weakness, spiced with delicious laugh-out-loud anecdotes, heart-gripping empathy and many a surreptitious teary moment.’ And it’s coming soon to a bookstore or an Amazon website near you. Watch this space.

And then we need to rush home to help smash a Guinness World Record. In just 8 weeks, to raise money and awareness for Zimbabwe’s pensioners, the Old Legs Tour and Harare Round Table One will attempt the Guinness World Record for Thee-Legged racing, currently held in Japan by 795 pairs of people. We’re looking for 1000 pairs of legs to run the 200-meter course at Hellenic School ‪on the 14th of March. Come join us, it will be the best fun ever. Backing at my bold statement, below some three-legged quotes I’ve dug up from history.

“Alas. My single biggest regret in life is not breaking the World record for Three-legged racing” – Chuck Norris – Hollywood 1992.

“Why didn’t we go for the Three-Legged record instead?”- Captain Oates - South Pole 1912.

“The most fun we’ve ever had as a married couple.”- Princess Diana - Balmoral 1984.

“Very good exercise. Gets your heart going. Should be compulsory.”- Dr Chris Barnard - Groote Schur 1968.

“Guaranteed fifty percent more fun than running with two legs” – Stephen Hawking – Oxford, 1974.

“Running with their legs tied together keeps married couples together” – Dr Phil, Chicago, 2003.

And once we have the Guinness World Record hopefully in the bag, then it is onward and upward, if not to infinity and beyond, then certainly as far as the Skeleton Coast, hopefully, again to raise money and awareness for our beleaguered pensioners. For sure 3000 km on mountain bikes on rough tough dirt roads through some of Africa’s harshest and most desolate landscapes will be epic. It would not be possible without the generous support of our equally epic sponsors. Our thanks and more thanks in Zimbabwe go to Keith Bell and his team at Crop Serve, Andrew and Jim Brown and company at Ilala Lodge, Andy Pattenden and team at FX Logistics, Phil and Mandy de Chassart and all at the Surrey Group, purveyors of the best meat and meat pies in Zimbabwe, Rory White and his team at Eaton and Youngs Insurance. And in the Netherlands, huge thanks to Vinnie Verspeek from Summer Flora and also to Roto Flowers for helping those less fortunate on the other side of the world. And sponsoring us all the way from the USA, our thanks go to Mike and Candy Pottenger from CMP Global LLC, leading providers in real world logistics. Mike and Candy have enjoyed several safaris in Zimbabwe and have an affinity for the country and her people. For continuing to write the book on giving, thank you all.

We hope to be able to offer our sponsors a 10 to 1 Feel Good return – 10 dollars in donations for every dollar is sponsorship. Please help us on one of the following platforms.

*  https://www.justgiving.com/fundraising/oldlegstour2020 or alternatively, you can use the ZANE account -A/c No: ‪00576568, A/c Name : ZANE, Bank : TSB, Sort code: 30-99-74, BIC: TSBSGB2AXXX, IBAN:GBS12 TSB ‪3099 7400 5765 68

* In SA, you can make transfers to Act Name - Old Legs Cycle, Act Number – ‪9355070826, Absa Bank, Branch Number -632005

* In Zim people can transfer to Bulawayo Help Network via their CABS Platinum Account number 1124733450 or their Ecocash merchant 139149.

* Please quote Old Legs as your deposit reference.

In closing, I am very pleased to re-introduce you to CarolJoy Church, born in Mutare and now living in Germany. Aged 40, C.J. is our youngest pair of Old Legs. A veteran of 2 Blue Crosses and the Harare to Mt Kilimanjaro Tour, recently signed up for the Skeleton Coast Tour. In November 2018, C.J. signed up to a lady’s cyclist monthly challenge on Strava for most kilometres ridden and most meters climbed. She placed 25000 in the November and December challenges, climbing steadily as she got into her training. In June, the month of the Tour, C.J. placed 10th. Only 9 other women in the world rode and climbed more than her. When she is not on her bike, C.J. plays the piano and the cello for a living. She will bring some badly needed class and culture to the peloton and is not to be confused with the other C.J.

Below - C.J. not on the piano.

Until my next blog, survive, enjoy and do your best to help someone less fortunate.

Eric Chicken Legs de Jong