The Third World as seen from the saddle

I’m bleak with Father Christmas this year. I asked him for rain and a strong currency, and he gave me forty-degree blue skies with not a cloud to be seen, and a leaking bottom, as in through the eye of a needle leakage. And to add insult to injury, he gave a Zimbabwean Fat Cat a brand new US$ 3.4 million Bugatti whilst not giving two thirds of a Children’s Home new shoes.

Okay, I can’t really blame Father Christmas for the leaking bottom. I got that from grandson Colton. When first Colton’s bottom showed worrying signs of leakage, my overdeveloped flight instincts, you get those if you’re born skinny with a fast mouth, urged me to run away, but Colton is that cute, I didn’t. Alas.

The no rain is a big worry. The whole of Zimbabwe is stuck in a thirty-five degree plus heatwave with rains more than a month late. And starting next month, technically next week, one in two Zimbabweans will require emergency food aid, on the back of last year’s disastrous agricultural season. Originally, the food aid window was only supposed to be three months long, until this season’s harvest kicked in. But that doesn’t look like it’s going to kick in, at all. People are talking a seventy percent crop failure, country wide. Alas. Zanu PF will point fingers at climate change, but our disaster is man-made, by them. Thanks to them, we have no farmers, no electricity, no irrigation and above all, no plan.

Sticking with my leaking bottom theme, our lack of a stable currency is an even bigger worry. Going into last Christmas, the Zim dollar US dollar rate was 3 to one. Fast forward a year and we’re at 23 and falling. Consequently, a domestic servant in South Africa now earns four times more than a Zimbabwe doctor. Against that background, government continues to worry about the use of the US dollar to peg prices and have tried to make inflationary increases illegal. Formerly Minister of Swimming but now acting Minister of Education Kirsty Coventry warned schools that they should not increase fees by more than 20 percent without Government approval, while charging in foreign currency is illegal. Which is like insisting people use lifeboats that don’t float or condoms with holes cut in them. It’s not going to happen. As evidenced by ZANU PF themselves who priced tickets at the Presidential Dinner Dance in Bulawayo on the 20^th starting at US$15 up to US$200 for a seat at the Presidential table.  I wouldn’t be surprised if President Ed ate alone that night.

The effects of a year of currency free fall were hugely evident on Christmas Day, but not so evident at Defence HQ when a member of the ruling elite and or the military pitched up in a Bugatti Chiron, , the world’s fastest production car, unless of course it was just some innocent motorist who got lost and popped in for directions.

Jenny and I celebrated Christmas Day Mass at the Emerald Hill Children’s Home.  The Christmas service is a delight with the kid’s singing and drums loud enough to drown out my vocal contributions. And every year for as long as I can remember, some kind person or persons has gifted each orphan a pair of new shoes. Last year, the kid closest to me, a boy aged about 8, checked out his shiny new Adidas trainers every 2 minutes to make sure they hadn’t been stolen and or were still cool. This year though was different. This year from what I could see only 1 in 3 kids got new shoes. The huge and obvious disappointment of the kids who didn’t get headlined in Father Godfrey’s Christmas Day sermon. He said something along the lines of the need to downgrade expectations, especially when fathers are stuck in fuel queues and mothers don’t know how to pay for electricity they do not get. I can’t quote him verbatim because I was too busy trying to count kids who didn’t get new shoes; I do tend to wander off in church. Normally I come away from Christmas Day Mass happy and full of feel good, but the kids with old shoes made me angry sad. It is bollocks that kids with nothing didn’t get something and the fat cat got a new Bugatti. Although why you’d want to drive the world’s fastest car on pot-holed, knackered roads more suited to tractors, I’m not entirely sure.

But on to things more positive. The other best thing about this time of year is you get to start over with new New Year resolutions. I’ve gone with just 5 resolutions this year. First up, we’re going to try get shoes for all the kids at the Children’s Home who didn’t get shoes. If any readers wish to help, I will leave a list of shoe sizes and boy girl details at the Bata at Arundel Village. Secondly, I’ve resolved to not listen to Barry Manilow or Akker Bilk in 2020. This is a recycled resolution that worked well for me in 2010, 2011, 2012, etc, etc. Thirdly, I’m going to try and break the Guinness World Record for the three- legged racing. Fourthly, which makes me sound like I have a lisp, I don’t want to become a skeleton whilst riding to the Skeleton Coast on the 2020 Old Legs Tour. And last but not least, I want to become a best-selling author in 2020, even if I have to buy my mom 4,999 copies next Christmas.

Resolutions 1 and 2 are self-explanatory. Pursuant to the breaking the Guinness World Record to raise money and awareness for Zimbabwe’, the Old Legs Tour in conjunction with Harare Round Table One will gather 1000 pairs of legs on a Saturday to be announced to race the 200-meter course. Not breaking the Guinness World Record for three-legged racing remains Chuck Norris’s only regret in life. Don’t be like Chuck. Find a running partner and join us at Hellenics.

Pursuant to not becoming a skeleton on the Skeleton Coast, I really have to knuckle down and get busy training. I’ve been slack arse since Rugby World Cup. I’d earmarked the Christmas week as a big catch up training week, but my leaking bottom is more suited to sprint training than long haul stuff. Alas. I’m determined to get up to 200 km per week, on dirt, in Jan and Feb and build from there to 300 km.

Bruce Fivaz a.k.a. Badger has put together a stellar cast for the 2020 peloton, focusing on fundraising abilities, as much as what each rider will bring to the party in terms of humour and spirit. If they know how to use a Leatherman, that will also be a plus. Bruce is the boss of this year’s Tour. For those who haven’t yet met Bruce, he is an Old Legs stalwart who coined the phrase ‘You are never too old to do epic’ on the 2018 Cape Town Tour. Bruce rode that Tour when he was 72. Twelve years earlier, to ease into his sixties, Badger rode a 900 km high altitude Tour around the base of Mt Everest. Husband to Jane and father to Angela and Nikki, Badger is one of Zimbabwe’s foremost veterinary professors and will double up as the Ride medic. As such, we do not envisage any mastitis, distemper or foot and mouth problems on Tour.

Topping Bruce’s recruitment list are his ex-colleagues from the Ostrich Industry days. First up, Chris Bradshaw a.k.a C.J. was born in Mutare 58 years ago and schooled at Borrowdale, Blakiston, Godfrey Huggins, Marondera and lastly P.E. but we won’t hold that against him. After school, C.J. went farming, silly boy. He was very involved in the developing Zimbabwe’s Ostrich Industry and is now involved in the Crocodile industry. A social bike rider, C.J. is undertaking the Old Legs Tour because he is hugely aware of the plight of Zimbabwe’s pensioners, and also because Bruce told him 3000 km mostly on dirt through deserts will be fun. Again, silly boy.

Also, on Tour and also ex the Ostrich Industry is Alan Crundall. Alan, aged 63, was one of the founding partners of Crundall Brothers Hardware and New Products Plastics. Alan relocated to Australia in 2003 after losing his ostrich farm in the land grab. He now owns a procurement firm in Australia, servicing customers in Africa, sourcing goods in Australia, the US and Asia. Alan has been married to wife Julie for 38 years and they have 3 daughters and a son, plus 4 grandsons and 2 granddaughters, all living in Australia. Alan likes bikes and used to do the Argus annually. He also likes adventure and recently completed the Ben 10 Challenge, an off-road motorbike ride in and over the Drakensberg. He completed an 11-month 4x4 Tour of Africa that took him as far as Rwanda. Alan has been involved in fund raising for the pensioners since moving to Australia. Alan has also bought into Badger’s quaint theory that pedalling 3000 km through the world’s oldest and harshest deserts can be filed under fun.

With less than 6 months to go before we start pedalling, our To Do list is very long. We have encountered a slight route hiccup. In Plan A we were going to ride across the iconic Vic Falls bridge into Zambia, down to Kazungula and then back across the Zambezi on the new bridge but alas, work on the new bridge has stopped because the Zambians haven’t paid the contractors. Enter Plan B in which we would press onto Kutima Mulilo on the Angolan border and cross there. But C.J. Bradshaw drove the Kazungula to Kutima route last month. The road was that bad, 100 km took him 4 hours in a Land Cruiser. C.J. worries that our support vehicles and trailers will not survive. And so, possibly onto Plan C, in which we would cross the river by ferry from Zambia to Botswana at Kasane but apparently, we might need permits to ride through that stretch of Botswana. Watch this space.

We’re set to launch our sponsorship appeals in early January. On the 2019 Tour we were able to turn every 1 dollar of sponsorship into 6 dollars of donations. This year we’re looking to up the fundraising ante, targeting US$150,000, giving our sponsors a Feel-Good return of 10 to 1. As always, we’ll look to also give them maximum brand exposure, by way of branded ride jerseys, especially C.J.’s because he looks like he’ll be the porkiest in the peloton, and especially in all important market places like Gokwe, Otiwarango and Henties Bay, on account of riding slower than paint dries.

In closing and pursuant to Resolution 5 a.k.a. becoming a best-selling author, Running Dogs and Rose’s Children will be available on Amazon and in a bookshop near you in February 2020.Pursuant to instructions from my publicist received for Christmas, herewith a teaser from Noreen Welch. Noreen said the book was “full of pathos, tears and the incorrigible antics of living in Southern Africa. I cried, I laughed, and I thoroughly enjoyed every page of Running Dogs and Rose’s Children. It is a must read.” My mom will also say it is very good, otherwise she’ll get 4,999 copies for Christmas. More to follow.

Until next year, survive, enjoy and pedal if you can.

Eric ‘Chicken Legs’ de Jong.