The Third World as seen from the saddle

2020 continues to suck. In Zimbabwe, we’ve moved to Stage Two in our fight against coronavirus.  Previously, we were either at Stage One or Stage Three, unless of course we skipped a stage. Stage Two is somewhat relaxed and a step back towards normal, with the usual million police blocks still out there, stopping motorists, so they can tell them to proceed. Every now and then, because he’s bored or still stuck in either Stage One or Three mode, you’ll get a stickler of a cop demanding to know why you are proceeding into town. Currently, my favourite reason is colonic irrigation.

In Stage Two, businesses in Zim are allowed to trade between the hours of 8 and 3, but only if they’ve tested all their workers for coronavirus, at a cost of between US$ 25 and US$35 a head. Unfortunately, the turnaround for test results has ballooned out to ten days, so employers will be able tell that their staff were definitely either positive or negative, a week and a half ago, assuming of course, that the tests are accurate. Famously, a pawpaw in Tanzania recently tested positive. Presumably it was made to self-isolate for 3 weeks. But because most small to medium to large companies in Zimbabwe can’t afford 25 to 35 bucks per worker, government reversed their well thought out ruling after just a day, and companies can trade without testing, provided they have temperature checks and hand sanitizing stations at the entrance. Last week, I tested frigid at four different shops. Frigid is the only word I can find to describe a body temperature of 32 degrees Celsius.

But so far government’s stringent anti-coronavirus strategy seems to be working, although not as well as North Korea’s, who are still on zero cases. In Zimbabwe and at the time of writing, we’ve been stuck on 34 confirmed cases for more than 10 days now. Briefly we climbed up to 40, but fortunately 6 positive cases got reversed back to negative, and we’re back down to 34. And all this despite massively ramping up of testing. To date, we’ve carried out more than 21,000 tests country wide.

In South Africa, they look to have their hands more than full, having to contend with not just the coronavirus, but also a pandemic of stupid. Since the lockdown began, a total of 962 schools have been burnt down and or vandalized and or robbed. Under South Africa’s relaxed Level Four restrictions, apparently you can buy hot cooked food from a takeaway, but not from a supermarket. Hardware stores are fully open, as are clothing stores, but they’re only allowed to sell children’s clothing and winter wear for adults. The sale of summer frocks remains strictly illegal. Woollen underwear can go into your trolley, but skimpy, cotton briefs can’t. Trade in cigarettes and alcohol also continues to be illegal. Banning alcohol for the last 7 weeks has paid huge dividends, said Minister Dr Dlamini Zuma, “The non-sale of alcohol has freed the hospitals; our emergency hospitals and units are normal now. Our ICUs are not filled with people who have been stabbed or shot or raped or so on. The hospital can look after the sick, and not the emergencies that come from the effects of alcohol,” she said. According to my friend Clive who clearly has a lot of time on his hands and tracks these things, coronavirus is actually saving lives in South Africa. In the last 41 days there have been just 148 deaths outside of coronavirus. Ordinarily, 2132 people would have been murdered over the same time frame. Now that is properly scary stuff,

I think South Africa’s Level 4 regulations were clearly drafted by someone who also had too much time on his hands whilst stuck in Level 5.  The restrictions are exhaustive and cover all eventualities. For example,  divorced parents who share custody of their child (or children) can move the child between the two households if both the parents or caregivers stay in the same metropolitan areas or district municipality, and have either a” court order, parental responsibilities and rights agreement, or parental plan, registered with the family advocate”. If neither of these is available, then the regulations make provision for the use of a permit issued by a magistrate which can be found in the regulations. If the parents of caregivers live in different provinces or metropolitan areas, they can only move the child if a magistrate issues them with the correct permit which can also be found in the regulations. The regulations go on to further state that people cannot travel between provinces, except for funerals (which require a signed affidavit provided in the regulations), or if they need to travel across provinces to return to work (provided they have the right permit). It is all abundantly clear, and at least people know where they stand, apart from those who don’t.

Most importantly, Level Four in South Africa allows book stores to trade, including Exclusive Books, Bargain Books, Wordsworth Books, Protea Bookstore, Ramsgate Stationers, Clarks Bookstore and the Bay Bookshop in Houtbay, all stockists of  Running Dogs and Rose’s Children, a damn good read by all accounts, and at 500 pages, good value for money too. And If they have sold out, you can also order on Takealot.com. But if you are looking to buy skimpy underwear, bummer dude pardon the pun, you’ll have to wait to Level 3.Coronavirus conspiracy theories continue to abound. Depending on news channels, either the Chinese or the Americans started the virus, or 5G networks, or big business pharmaceutical companies, or an Arsenal/ Manchester City/ Manchester United supporter looking to deny Liverpool their League title. Personally though, my money is on those manufacturers of cheap Chinese thermometers enjoying a stellar year.

But moving on to other news because too much talk of coronavirus can make a person sick, in Zimbabwe malaria cases have surged to 170,000 cases in the past two months, with 152 deaths reported. Experts in the Ministry of Health officials said and I quote, “the unexpected malaria outbreak is causing great confusion amongst health workers and people suffering from both diseases, because the symptoms are similar.” And there was also an outbreak of typhoid last week in Hatcliffe on the outskirts of Harare. And the Grain Millers want to raise the price of mealie meal from $72 for 10 kg to $260, because maize stocks in the country are running low. But otherwise, all good. Oh, and we’re also renting out our army to Mozambique to go and fight al- Shabaab in their far-north province Cabo Delgado, I’m guessing more for cash-flow purposes than for reasons of ideology. It will be very interesting to see if Donald looks at Ed differently going forward, now that he has joined the War on Terror.

At long last and moving on to the bicycle part of the blog, because of coronavirus, I have pulled out what little hair was left on my head post pattern-baldness. You will remember in my last blog to get to the Skeleton Coast, we were having to resort to Plan C which had us rerouting via Zambia, because the scaredy cat Botswanans have shut their borders for 6 months. Well Plan C is now also dead in the water, again because of coronavirus, because when we asked him, the Namibian Ambassador told us to dream on if we think Namibian borders will be open before August. Because the Namib desert is a no-go on a bike in summer, and because it is near impossible to ride to the Skeleton Coast without crossing into Namibia, we are fast forwarding to Plan Z, in which the Skeleton Coast goes back on the shelf for 12 months, and the Old Legs Team will ride the Great Lockdown Tours plural, instead. According to Google, the Namib Desert is 55 million years old so should keep for another year.

At first, I was properly bleak that we weren’t riding to the Skeleton Coast. But then Carl Wilson shared his intended route for the Zimbabwean edition of the Great Lockdown Tour. It will be hugely epic. Check it out -

On plus minus the 15th of July, the local Old Legs plus possibly CJ from KZN will pedal out of Harare to Mt Nyangani, Zimbabwe’s highest point, via our old friends at the Borradaile Trust in Marondera. After we have escaped the Departure Lounge in Borradaile Trust and have arrived at Mt Nyangani, we’ll head north through Nyamaropa and onto Nyamapanda, and then push across to Mukumbura, once the site of the world’s largest minefield. Then up to Kanyemba on the Zambezi river. From Kanyemba, we’ll head west down the full length of the Zambezi Valley, hopefully through Chikwenya, Mana Pools and Rukomechi, all the while being mindful of not being eaten by lions or being gored or stood on by buffalos and or elephants etcetera, etcetera, because being eaten, gored or stood on can bugger up a bike ride worse than punctures.

We’ll follow the Zambezi River to Chirundu and up as far A Camp, at which point we’ll head back up the escarpment to Marongora and Makuti, and then down again to Kariba. Whence upon we will load our bicycles on to a luxury houseboat called the Somabhula and set sail for the Changa Safari Camp on the eastern boundary of the Matusadona National Park, whilst rehydrating on Gin and Tonics. We’ll then disembark and ride along the shoreline of Lake Kariba as far as Bumi Hills, using the Mutsadona mountains as a backdrop, while not being eaten or stood upon by lions, buffalos, elephants etcetera, etcetera. Once we get to Bumi Hills Safari Lodge, we’ll head south into the hinterland, up towards Gokwe, hopefully linking up with our support vehicles somewhere on to the Karoi Binga road. They’ll have driven around from Kariba. But because we are considerate team players, we will drink their Gins and Tonics for them on the houseboat.

Once we find the support vehicles, we’ll ride west to the Chizarira National Park, once again slogging up the Zambezi escarpment hopefully to overnight on the spectacular Mucheni Gorge, one of the few places in the world where you can look down on to an eagle’s back in flight. I can’t wait to show all the blog followers the photos. Mucheni has to be one of the most breath-taking sights in the world.

Then we’ll push on to Deka and Milibizi and onto Victoria Falls. We’ll rehydrate in Vic Falls before riding to Kazungula where four countries meet. Studiously avoiding crossing over into Botswana lest we catch coronavirus, we’ll turn south at Kazungula and ride down along Zimbabwe’s western border, as far as the seldom visited Kazuma Pan National Park. When we get to Kazuma, because we don’t want to die in the deep sand of the  Kalahari, instead of carrying on south along the old border road, we’ll cut inland through Hwange National Park past Robins Camp , again mindful of not being eaten by lions, gored by buffalos, elephants, ectara, etcetera, exiting Hwange Park somewhere in the south. We’ll ride through Tsholotsho and Nyamandhlovu to Bulawayo to meet up with our old friends at the Bulawayo Help Network and Qalisa, before pushing on through the Matopos National Park and then down to the Tuli Circle. We’ll then turn left when we bump into Rudyard Kipling’s Great Gey-Green Greasy Limpopo River and head through Beitbridge to Mabalauta on the southern boundary of the Gonarezhou National Park. We hope to ride through that past the iconic Chilojo cliffs, again being mindful of not being eaten, gored or stood upon by lions, buffalos, elephants, etcetera, etcetera, ending up Mahenya, on the northern boundary of Gonarezhou, in time to meet up with the Blue Cross. This will be the 25th edition of Zimbabwe’s most iconic 500 km endurance event from Zimbabwe’s lowest point to her highest point, at Mt Nyangani. And as always, on this stretch, we’ll be riding to raise money and awareness for Zimbabwe’s SPCA. By the time we get back to Mt Nyangani, we’ll have ridden +/- 3200 kilometres, mostly on tough dirt, having done bucket loads of epic. Big thanks to Ash King, who is helping us big time with our tracks. Together with Linda Warren in 2014, Ash King was the first person to ride all the way around Zimbabwe’s boundary, logging up 3700 tough, tough, tough kilometres in just 42 days, almost dying in the deep sands of the Kalahari, true story.

Back to 2020. While we are riding the Zimbabwe version of the Great Lockdown Tour, hopefully CarolJoy Church will be riding the German version, again to raise money and awareness for Zimbabwe’s pensioners, pedalling 3600 kilometres around Germany’s borders, climbing a massive 24000 meters in the process. That is longer and higher than the Tour de France. Watch this space.

Every year we ride the Old Legs Tour to do three things; to have fun, to do good and to do epic. Over and above raising money and awareness for Zimbabwe’s pensioners, this year we hope to do a whole bunch more good. Our intrepid cameraman Ryan Moss is positively salivating at being commissioned to produce four promotional videos. Over and above the Old Legs Pensioners fundraising video, we will produce a promotional video for the Zambezi Society, highlighting the hugely invaluable work they do to protect and conserve the iconic Zambezi Valley which remains one the world’s most iconic and rugged wilderness areas, home to two World Heritage sites and a gazillion lions, elephants, buffalos, etcetera, etcetera. Old Legs will also commission Ryan to produce a fundraising video for the Mutare SPCA, commemorating their 25th edition of the Blue Cross and highlighting the work done in Zimbabwe by the SPCA. Plus, a big picture video spectacular, showcasing the very best of Zimbabwean Tourism, which we hope will help Zimbabwe Tourism to get back on the world map as a premier wildlife and adventure destination, post coronavirus.

Still on the bike part of the blog, thanks to my brother-in-law Timmy and DHL, my bicycle has a brand new derailleur and back cluster, a technical term for all the gear things on the back wheel. But my reunion with my bike has been muted by my still busted ribs which after two weeks remain a big pain in the arse. As does sleeping flat on your back like an ironing board for weeks on end. I cannot wait to be able to roll over in bed again. I am going to try get back on my bicycle this week for some gentle rides to get some fitness back in my legs, but strictly no filming. Basically, this is all your fault, Alan Rheeder.

The Old Legs Tour has been delivering food packs and emotional support to Zimbabwe’s pensioners for seven weeks running, since lockdown started on March the 30th. Thanks to a huge donation of export quality roses from Mark Coulson for Mother’s Day, we were able to really spread the love last week. Your roses put smiles on a lot of hearts. Thank you, thank you, thank you. And also big thanks to Alan Crundall and Global Sourcing. We were able to distribute 3000 top quality surgical masks, 1500 to Miracle Missions in Harare and 1500 to Dave Coltart in Bulawayo who will hand them over to the Mater Dei and Ekusileni Hospitals on behalf of the Old Legs Tour. Dave also rides mountain bikes. Thank you, thank, thank you.  And last but not least, huge thanks to the six sisters from Ireland who are helping Dennis have a big cancer cut out of his neck. I would also like to use the blog to acknowledge the efforts of Dr Kevin O’Connor who looks after so many pensioners out of the goodness of his heart. God Bless.

Until next week, stay safe, pedal if you can, help the less fortunate, and above all, don’t sneeze on anyone.

Eric Chicken Legs de Jong.

Photos below- Happy Mother’s Day from me, Jenny, Timmy and Irene, not so happy headlines, more spreading the love on Mother’s Day, and just some of the lions we will avoid in the Zambezi Valley.